The Scattered Thoughts of Me

I'm too tired for only 9:00. I was at the office all stinking day today. When I finally got home I started bumping into things. First I bumped my knee into the corner. Then about five minutes later I opened the freezer door into my head. And now there's this Korean soap opera (dubbed into Spanish) on TV. I'm not actually watching it, but I can hear the music. Those Korean soap operas have a very distinctive sound. I should go to bed.

I spent the last few hours this afternoon writing a brief history of my life over the last five or six years. I’d originally planned to post it all here as a four-part series, but by the time I’d finished, it had become too deep, too personal, too private. But I can give you a general idea of some of the things I wrote.

This weekend has been a wonderful four-day weekend, because today is Benito Juarez day in Mexico. Benito Juarez is like the Abraham Lincoln of Mexico, and his birthday coincides (more or less) with the vernal equinox, which is a big event in a sun-worshipping culture like that of Mexico past (and to an extent of Mexico present). So we got off from school today for the big day. We were off yesterday because it was the “bridge” that connected the weekend to the holiday. Friday afternoon after school Amy, Sarah, and I went to Querétaro and hung out with Nolan for a few days. We messed around Querétaro and San Miguel de Allende, and hiked up a monolith (a big rock sticking out of the ground) called Peña de Bernal. It was a lot of fun to get away from the city and hang out with cool people and not have much to be stressed about for a few days. Yesterday I spent the day running around getting stuff done and not thinking a whole lot about much. Then this morning I finished all of my school preparations for the long weekend, so I went to the Starbucks to drink a mocha blanco and read a book called A Grief Observed by CS Lewis. And it inspired me to think and to write.

The book is a series of thoughts CS Lewis wrote as a grieving exercise after the death of his wife. One thing hit me in particular: his realization of where his faith was. When his wife died, he found that his faith was not a steady trust in God himself, but that it was “a house of cards” that was knocked over by circumstance. He noted that whenever his “faith” (his house of cards) was crushed, he would be broken for a while before deciding to pick up the pieces and go about rebuilding the house of cards.

That entire line of reasoning struck me because it is an accurate picture of my life and my tendency. My faith is so often built on things or people or circumstances or ideas or dreams, rather than being firmly rooted in God and his faithfulness. So whenever a storm comes along that blows at my faith, my house of cards falls. All the hopes I’ve been working on since the last storm fall and become worthless. All the plans I’ve made and dreams I’ve dreamed and time I’ve invested in stacking these cards: all gone, all wasted. So it breaks me until I decide to get up and begin rebuilding. And I do the same thing and begin rebuilding that house.

How can I be set free from this cycle? How does real faith work? How can I build hope and faith in God alone? How does true unaffected joy come? These are my thoughts and prayers tonight.

Who's that handsome fella drinking that delicious Mountain Dew from that sweet Taco Bell cup? That's me, of course! That picture is from McAllen, Texas. Alack, no Taco Bell here in Mexico City!

I changed the look of my blog. The letters are bigger, so it may be easier to read. What do you think of it? The subtitle says that it's for the new year. It's not really; I just like the way it sounds catchy.

I had that conversation again today. This time while eating lunch at the mall food court. You know the one; it starts out something like, "So what you are going to do when your time here ends?" It ends with no resolution on my part. I enjoy having the conversation, but I wish I knew the answer to the question.

To add one more corporate plug, drinking coffee from my Krispy Kreme mug makes drinking coffee more fun.

Dear Kathy and Cole,

Don't worry. You didn't burst my bubble. My facts have been thoroughly researched, pondered, and considered. Tennessee is the greatest. Texas is not. How much more simple can it get? The movies I listed as the top three are the greatest. Those listed as the bottom three are horrible. It's all so obvious. So don't be too concerned about me; my bubble ain't burst.

But to show you that there's only amiableness here, I'm going to officially declare the following:

Song of the Day: Fame

Fame! I'm gonna live forever!
I'm gonna learn how to fly! [High!]
I feel it coming together,
People will see me and cry! [Fame!]
I'm gonna make it to heaven,
Light up the sky like a flame! [Fame!]
I'm gonna live forever!
Baby, remember my name!