The Scattered Thoughts of Me

One year later. I’ve been back in Mexico for a whole year. I got here May 29, 2004. But last year it was a Saturday, not a Sunday. No matter. It’s a year. Does it seem that long? No, it doesn’t. Yes, it does. I had a rough first few weeks when I got here a year ago. All my old friends that I knew from before left just a few days after I got back. So I had to say goodbye to all of them. But guess what; I made some new friends. And now it seems like I’m saying goodbye to all of them. I’ve said a lot of goodbyes over the last couple of days. Yesterday I had to say goodbye to one of my best friends I’ve ever known. I didn’t know what to say; I just stood there quiet like an idiot and didn’t say anything. And I’ll have some more goodbyes to say in the weeks and months to come. I’ll have one to say while I’m in Korea and another sometime this summer. So I’ve made up my mind. Saying all these goodbyes stinks.

One year later I still don’t know what I’m going to do when I leave Mexico. I still don’t know when I’ll leave Mexico. I’m so unsure about everything right now. I heard news this week that made me upset, but I don’t want to write about it here. But it really made me question a lot of things and look at myself in a new way. It made me consider why I am the way I am, and consider things that could make me something better, something more than the way I am in my natural man. Things confuse me so much. I don’t have this whole thing figured out, even though I try to think sometimes that I do. I guess I’m fooling myself when I say I should have it all figured out. But I am 27 years old now; shouldn’t that count for something? I’ve lived out of the USA for three whole years; does that not mean anything?

Just wondering.

A week from tonight school will be over, and I will hopefully be all packed and ready for my trip to Korea. I’m super-excited, but nervous also. I’ve never been anywhere but the USA and Mexico. Mexico sure is different from the USA (some parts of the USA at least), but Korea... that’s a whole new world. I guess since it’s a thoroughly modern country it’ll be quite westernized, especially in Seoul, but it’ll still be an experience. An adventure perhaps. I’ve been on a few adventures in my life.... I guess some people would say I’m living one right now (although most days I don’t feel like I am). Adventure to me would be hopping in the car right now and driving 4 – 5 hours and sitting on the beach talking to good friends about good stuff until the sun came up. Then spending all day on the beach relaxing and in the ocean swimming, waiting to watch the sun set, then driving back to the big city. Adventure... I want one of those. But they’re always scary to me at first. I don’t know what to expect. I won’t be in control (or even have the feeling of control). I won’t know every road I drive down; I won’t know all the short cuts or places to avoid; I won’t know exactly which lane to be in or how much to slow down for each tope (speed bump). And I like being in control, and knowing (rather, thinking that I know) exactly what’s around the corner, because I’ve been here a thousand times before. An adventure gets me out of routine. It makes me feel defenseless and helpless. And it messes me up for a while. But it almost always leaves me wanting more.

On a side note: 10,000 Maniacs is my new favorite band. Buy “Campfire Songs.” Listen to both discs five hundred times. Then tell me that you agree.