The Scattered Thoughts of Me

So this is my blog. I am starting it today, Thursday, June 10, 2004.

"Why start a blog?" you might ask. That's a good question, a question for which I don't have a good answer. I'm not a prolific writer or a wordsmith at all. I've tried before to take my everyday life and give it some meaning in the form of funny little stories or analogies or parables, but I had little success. I think that I used to try too hard to impress people with my writing that it lost its honesty. During my first term in Mexico City, I kept journals fairly consistently, but got out of the habit quite as soon as I got back to Tennessee. These days I will write in a journal sporadically at best, whereas before it was every Thursday night, week after week. I really enjoy pulling out the old journals from time to time and remembering the things I did and my frame of mind those few years ago, like the first time I drove (and the first time I got lost) in Mexico City; the first time I saw the Pacific Ocean and the adventures we had in Acapulco that weekend; the troubles I had starting out as a junior high and high school teacher with absolutely no idea what I was doing; or all those times during October, November, and December of 2002 when I wrote about how glad I was to be leaving Mexico, forever, with no intention of returning, and no intention of being a teacher again. Recently I read the entry in which I wrote that I was tired of living alone, and didn't want to do it anymore. I wrote that back in August 2002, at the start of the last five months of living alone in Mexico. I still don't like it, but look where I am: living alone, in Mexico City, teaching math and science again. In my strength I wonder how much longer I can do this, because my strength is no strength at all. It's been so much harder than I had imagined it would be when I signed up for this, and I've only been here alone for a week now. "So what's your point here, Smith?" There is no point. As I wrote above, I used to try to write good stories and relate the mundane details of my life to spiritual ideas and principles, but by now I've learned that the best I can do is to be honest in writing. So that's what I'm striving to do now. Last night I sat down to journal my first ten days or so back in Mexico City, and I ended up writing seven pages (a new record for me). There has been a lot on my mind during the time here, and I've had a lot of time alone to think about it all. Perhaps I am now getting to the point where I can process some of it. When I left Mexico in December 2002, I left absolutely exhausted mentally and emotionally. I was in no shape for thinking about what had happened the last two years, and to compound the situation, I arrived to Christmas celebrations and things happening all around me that left me no time to process thoughts and feelings. So when people would ask me what I learned in Mexico, I never had a good answer to give. "What did you enjoy the most?" I don't know; I've never really thought about it. "What was the hardest part about it?" Um, yeah, I don't know that either.

"Why start a blog?" you might ask. I don't know. Maybe it's just for myself. Maybe it's to help me put some order to my thoughts and feelings about what happens in my dull, uninteresting life abroad. Maybe it's so that I feel like I'm reaching out to have some sort of interpersonal contact while living alone. Maybe it would be better if I asked you why you wanted to read my blog. Of course, and it should go without saying, I welcome anyone and everyone who wants to read my writings to do so. But if you're looking for good stories or exciting news from Mexico, or if you are reading it to pick up some insight that I might provide, then I'm afraid that you might be disappointed. To be honest with you, I can't give you a good reason to read my blog. If all you're looking for is a brief summary of what has been happening with me the last few days, then I guess it might do. I don't know how consistently I will be writing here, though, so I can't give you any promises that I'll be updating this on a regular basis. And of course, if you're actually reading this, then you probably know me. And if you actually know me, then you know that I tend to keep things to myself. So I probably won't be writing anything here that's very personal. Ask me in private, by email, or better yet call me, and I will decide what to share on a person-to-person basis.

So it comes to this: after spending all this time telling you why you shouldn't read my writings, I'm going to go ahead and tell you what happened to me yesterday, as a bonus for those who have chosen to endure. I spent three hours trying to pay a power bill, a power bill for which I did not use one single bit of electricity, a power bill which should have been paid two months ago. But that's the way things go here in Mexico. The bills come in the mail already a month past due, then they are wrong. The one I paid yesterday stated that there was a balance carried forward from the previous bill, but we had the receipt stating that the bill was indeed paid, albeit past due. So I went three places yesterday, got lost in a sea of buses, got drenched in the rain, and eventually stood in line for hours to talk to a man for three minutes who said he fixed it. I'm not holding on to very much hope that the next bill that arrives will have the problem from two bills back corrected, but at least I have the receipts for next time. But it wasn't really all bad. I actually only got misdirected once. I went first to the only place I knew to go, and there I was told to go to the wrong place, after waiting in line for a good while. The man at the wrong place told me the right place to go, but it took me a while to get there, getting lost and all. When I got to the right place I waited and waited, then I waited some more, before the man who "fixed" my bill was very nice to me, and didn't give me a hard time at all. So I got the bill fixed and paid, and I left happy that it was all over and done, until the next time it happens, at least.

What a day's worth of writing, I say. I really do appreciate all of you who read this, despite my pessimistic warnings against it. Maybe next time it will be better. So until then....